Happy summer friends! Well, I have 5 days of school left including exams, so ALMOST happy summer. I hope everyone is sufficiently excited, I know i am. This may be a short post, because I have to get back to studying, but its one I feel the need to write. Something that drives me up the wall, when i do it, when other people do it, when anyone does it really, is this: the pee pee dance.
Everyone's seen the diaper commercials, and the YouTube videos, but I don't mean any of that. I mean like honest-to-goodness-my-bladdar-may-actually-explode pee pee dancing. There's a few different ways to do it, of course accompanied by their corresponding degrees of I-must-pee-ness, so here we go!
I HAVE TO PEE A LITTLE - movement of the hips, side to side, in an attempt to contain urine
I REALLY HAVE TO PEE -general hip thrusting in various directions; sometimes movements are used that would not, under any other circumstance be used in normal life (somewhat chicken-dance ish) accompanied by flailing of the arms, and potentially exposed teeth (I'm not sure how this helps maintain pre-wetting yourself status, but it does)
I MIGHT BURST - knees clenched tight enough together to juice various citrus fruits, legs bending in unnatural way up and down to lift feet from floor without unclenching knees. Arms now waving somewhat violently, and potentially profane words are expressed by the subject of the dance, through clenched teeth (try it- say COME OOOOONNNNNNN without unclenching your teeth- it's surprisingly accurate!)
I'LL BURST, I SWEAR - LITERALLY SECONDS FROM WETTING YOURSELF - knees clenched tight enough to break bricks, teeth clenched tight enough to break bricks - potentially the same bricks? - arms in full flail, now beating people off on either side, legs bent to lift up feet in such a manner that you'll feel it in the morning, and entire body wiggling side by side.
AND THERE IT GOES - no one's dancing after that...
So there it is. The 5 degrees of pee pee dancing. But, of course, The cause of any good pee pee dance is someone spending hours in the bathroom. I've developed various methods for removing stubborn individuals from all kinds of bathrooms, including both home and public, and both genders: after this list, your brothers and sisters may actually ask you before they use the washroom.
PUBLIC WASHROOMS
public washrooms are tricky... You don't need all 8 stalls, but you need to separate yourself from the 14 other people in line for a stall without being crazy enough to get kicked out... Or send to the bathroom with the little white man on the door. Sometimes just exaggerating the pee pee dance to it's fullest can get the job done effectively, assuming that the people you're in line with are at all polite. If they're not, you must take it one step further. Pretending to be crazy usually gets the job done - throw yourself across the bathroom, with unbelievable force, making strange noises, such as barking, singing at an unprecedented decibel, etc- but if it doesn't, your last resort is to put those grade 9 drama class skills to work, and pretend to be sick. You wouldn't believe the velocity at which those people will clear you a path.
HOME!
Home is your home base. It's like your home court, or your home land if you prefer. Either way, it's where you can be crazy without getting kicked out, so go for it! There are a few ways to get your siblings, parents, etc. Out of the bathroom, and here are a few of my favorites: start small, as with public bathrooms. Bang on the door with both hands until it opens. It's not actually going to make the door open, it just annoys the sense out of whoever's on the other side, and forces them to move a little quicker. If this doesn't work, start going through their stuff. I know it sounds a little nutty, but we've done it, don't lie to me. Grab a notebook from their bedroom and start reading pages out loud at random, or grab a hand full of underwear, and describe each piece in great detail at the top of your lungs. If this doesn't work, you've got a serious bathroom-hog problem, and need to take severe action. The least severe of these would be to grab as many pots and pans as you can, and just go nuts outside the door. Its only bearable for so long before they give in. If this doesn't work, run outside. Grab the closest garden hose to the bathroom window and fire away. It's probably tile anyway, so it's a fairly easy clean up, and other than the shower, there usually aren't too many places to hide. If this doesn't work, walk confidently into your target's bedroom and grab their favorite article of clothing. Take said article to the kitchen, cover with water, and stick in the freezer. the whole time, screaming play by plays to your subject. If this still doesn't get them out, it's time for the action you should only take when you have no action left. Your seconds ay from cleaning up a puddle on the floor, and your at your wits end. Grab the nearest lighter, and hold it to the nearest fire detector. If this doesn't get them out, you're out of luck: learn to pee outside.
Hope you appreciate the tips and tricks, as well as my descriptive degrees of the pee pee dance. Hope everyone's exams go well and you're all prepared - if not, stop reading blogs about pee and pull out a textbook!
Blessings,
Maddi.
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